Since it’s Colorado State week, I thought I’d check in with my old blog pal Ramifications to see what’s the haps out in Fort Collins. Turns out things aren’t going so well for the Rams this year, and he seems none too pleased. Fortunately, he was nice enough to brew a pot of coffee and sober up long enough to answer my questions about it.
Also, check his site to see my answers to his questions.
AztecsKillingHim: Is it any different to face us this year now that we’re about to become a storied BCS powerhouse? I’m guessing it must be very intimidating.
Ramifications: Not really. I still think of San Diego State as the lonely dork that hopes he’s not picked last in a game of kick-ball. Or the slow-ass that can’t get out of the way of flying missile in dodge ball. San Diego State is pretty much on the level of Wyoming.
AKH: Each of the past two years we expected to smash you guys, only to nearly trip over our own dicks and escape with narrow wins. Will this pattern continue Saturday?
Ram: I’ve got a feeling you will be getting a dose of Ram suckiness that only teams that are privileged to play us endure. Our only hope is that the Aztecs will play down to a junior high level so we only lose by 20.
AKH: Last year, the CSU defense had a pretty effective “injure all of SDSU’s running backs” strategy. How will the the Rams try to stop the Aztecs this time?
Ram: I think there will be a lot of hand slapping to go along with a couple of games of ball-in-cup. You know, the game that consists of a small ball (usually made of wood) connected to the handle of the cup by a string of 35 to 40 centimeters. The cup is shaped to fit the ball. We’re professionals at that game now.
AKH: The Aztecs defense vs. the Rams offense — will one side come out on top, or will the resulting vortex of suck just create a black hole that destroys all humanity?
Ram: That’s an interesting question. Even Stephen Hawking couldn’t calculate the inter galactic level of suck on one field, at an exact moment. With the game being played in a dilapidated pile crap posing as an NFL stadium, I would have to go with the theory of a black hole destroying humanity.
AKH: You guys have had a rough year under a first year coach. How patient has Rams Nation been so far? Also, why are you wielding that steak knife with a crazy look in your eye?
Ram: We are very patient. We know it’s J-Mac’s first and he needs time to implement his guys and system. We’ve got time. Nothing better to do I guess. Besides, we are still watching Fairchilds’s product, who is imposing his brilliant ideas on the San Diego Chargers now. Go figure?
AKH: CSU is looking to build an on-campus football stadium. Is that really a better idea than playing off campus in a crumbling 70,000 seat pro stadium with shitty sight lines? Cuz that’s been working out great for us.
Ram: Our stadium is going to be badass. Retractable dome, REAL grass (not that fake shit that everyone has now), 2,500 inch jumbo screen (I believe it’s 400 inches bigger than the tv in Cowboy Stadium), heated seats, probably leather with your season ticket holders name embroidered on the back of them in old english, scent releasing machines to make it smell like flowers, maybe some kind of roller coaster attached to the outside that swoops down to the center of the field during kick-offs, instead of the cannon we have now, they’ll install a rocket launcher and point it at the city where the opponent that we are playing is from and bombard them with verbal threats until they forfeit a win to us. It’s gonna be sweet.
AKH: As tough as this year has been, do you take any comfort in LOLing at the CU Buffs?
Ram: We hate the Buffs. They can rot in LOL hell. YOLO, whatever that means. I see it on those teens these days.
AKH: Admit it, you’ll miss us next year when we’re gone, won’t you?
Ram: Actually, we will miss you guys. Good luck in the Big Least. Where travel time is at least four hours to anywhere.