Man this is a long offseason, isn’t it? The next game is months away, and we’ve all been reduced to idle speculation about the size of some TV contract that won’t even be negotiated until the fall. Making matters worse, the mtn. seems to have been experiencing technical difficulties for over a week now. Strange. I need to call my cable provider about that.

In the meantime, all I can do to get my Aztecs fix is leaf through my trove of media guides. You know, like any normal person would.

Let’s see here … today I’ll go with 2007. That was a fine vintage.

It appears Chuck Long and the team are running the stairs at Qualcomm Stadium. Were the players being punished for not finishing their breakfast? The book does not say, but I’m sure Chuck had his reasons.

Let’s move on. On page 177 is a list of every San Diego State football player who has ever earned a letter. That’s pretty cool, actually. As I peruse the list, there are a few names that stand out. No, not the big name players like Marshall Faulk, Fred Dryer, or Herm Edwards.

I mean the names themselves. As such, I felt I should present a sampling of the best Aztec player monikers ever. Please note that this is totally not a stolen idea.

And keep in mind that my frame of reference for SDSU football only goes back about a decade, and this list of lettermen doesn’t provide anything beyond names and years. But a name can tell you a lot about a person, so I took my best guess as to who these people were. I’m sure I was spot on accurate.

Anyway, here’s the San Diego State football team’s All-Name Team.

George Bailey, 1938
Known for his selflessness play and wholesome off-field persona, Bailey was a popular figure. Distraught over a homecoming loss to Pomona, Bailey considered jumping into the San Diego River before he was visited by an angel who showed him that the Aztecs would have also lost to Occidental and the USS New Mexico had he never been born*.

*Ask your parents.

Scott Blade, 1993, 1994

The world’s deadliest terrorists thought they had accounted for everything.

They had the leverage.

“Six grams of this stuff will make everything from here to Santa Clarita go boom, maaaaan!”

They had a foolproof plan.

“It’s quite simple. Ten billion dollars, Mr. President. Or 10 million dead. You have 24 hours to decide.”

But they didn’t account for …

Scott Blade.

“Better Blade than never.”

This summer, strap in …

hold on to your seat …

and prepare …

to get Blade.

“You’re out of your depth, Blade! You! Will! Fail!”

“You won’t fail … to die.”

Deadly Blade

Coming to theaters July 2.

Bennis Edens, 1946, 47, 48
Bennis was born in Bover, Belaware, the son of Borothy and Baniel Edens. It’s funny because of the letter B!

Chris Finch, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995
This is kind of an inside joke, but my huge British audience will surely appreciate it.

Jack Fragile, 1974, 1975
Fragile played three games in 1974 before suffering cracked ribs and a broken clavicle attempting a fair catch. He dislocated his hip in a 1975 game against Oregon State after colliding with a cotton candy vendor while briskly walking off the field at halftime.

Jack Frost, 1939, 1940
Seriously?

This shit: so terrifying.

You know you could at least make me work for it.

Paul Held, 1951, 1952, 1953
You just know this guy was either an offensive lineman or a defensive back. Life just be that way.

Don Jurk, 1951, 1952
I can only imagine how his recruiting visit went.

Head coach Bill Schutte: Donny, I’ve heard a lot of great things about you, and after seeing you play I know you can help us win the CCAA. I’d like to offer you a full ride scholarship.
Don Jurk: Well la-dee-dah!!! (makes whack-off hand gesture)
Schutte: Excuse me? Now look here son …
Jurk: No you look here Coach Schit, I wanna know what’s in it for me. Don Jurk cares about one guy and one guy only — Don Jurk!
Schutte: It seems I’ve made a mistake in coming here. Good day to you.
Jurk: (Snatches the letter of intent out of Schutte’s hand and signs it) See you in August, fuckface.

Jeremy Justice, 2003, 2004
When your name is Jeremy Justice, your life options are pretty limited. You can be:

A) An obscure superhero whose weapons include an exploding gavel and scales you can swing like nunchucks
B) A dogged lawyer who defends the wrongfully accused against the corrupt system
C) A renegade cop who takes the law into his own hands
D) A college tight end who is woefully underutilized by Tom Craft

Jeremy took option D.

Daniel Laskowski, 1967
Everyone always called him The Big Laskowski, though it would be 30 years before anyone understood why.

Ferman McPhatter, 1949, 50, 51
How much better would The Nutty Professor have been if they had gone with the name Ferman McPhatter rather than Sherman Klump? Not good enough to keep it from permanently tarnishing Eddie Murphy’s reputation as a subversive comic genius, but still.

Ron Monaco, 1981
A relative of Michael Vick, perhaps?

Dan Moody, 1977, 1978

Reporter: Congrats on the win, Dan! Can you talk about that big fourth quarter touchdown drive?
Dan Moody: Only if you go fuck yourself first.

Frank Nottbusch, 1932, 1933, 1934
Born a generation too soon, Frank missed out on his true calling of running as a 2004 Democratic presidential candidate.

Dick Rash, 1941
OK, let’s see, where to begin. I’ve already made a Ron Mexico joke, so that’s out. I guess I could … Um. Shoot, how do you make this funnier? HIS NAME IS DICK RASH. Maybe if I did a google search some inspiration will come …

OH GOD!!!

Don Shy, 1965, 1966
Shy’s social anxiety was no doubt exacerbated by sharing an apartment with Don Jurk and Dan Moody.

Ron Slack, 1986, 1987, 1988, 1989
And then there was the guy sleeping on the couch.

Steve Stapler, 1978, 1979
I did a little digging and I was able to obtain this photo of Steve thanks to the fine folks at Love Library:

Johnny Walker, 1988, 1989, 1990
A precursor to Aztec Motto, Johnny’s popularity inspired the hit rap song “Johnny Walker Will Fuck Ya Up (And Make The Foul Taste of Burning Feces Linger in Your Mouth).” It’s a shame YouTube had not yet been invented.

Marc Ziegler, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994
Wait, this guy played for the football team? Suddenly this article makes more sense. Dude had a serious axe to grind.