When Kevan from the outstanding Boise State blog One Bronco Nation Under God approached me about a bet — winner gets a free post on losing blogger’s site — I was undaunted. Not because I actually thought the Aztecs were going to win, but because, hey, free content!
Little did I know he was going to write a screenplay. And not just a screenplay, but the greatest screenplay of our time. Holiday themed and everything.
So once you finish your turkey and pie and drunken bickering with relatives you were trying really hard to pretend to like, gather the kiddies for storytime. You won’t be disappointed.
Take it away Kevan:
Scene: Kellen Moore, Tyler Shoemaker, Ryan Lindley, and OBNUG are sitting around a roaring fire in the living room of Kellen Moore’s house, playing Jenga on the coffee table. Moore’s wife Julie is baking cookies. Christmas music plays in the background.
OBNUG: (singing) Christmas in the Northwest, it’s a gift for you and me!
Tyler Shoemaker: Please stop.
Ryan Lindley: Hey, pale kid, it’s your move.
OBNUG: Oh, right.
OBNUG pulls the bottom piece, like an idiot. The whole thing falls.
Rocky Long enters.
Rocky Long: You can’t play Jenga on a wooden coffee table. How can you see the pieces? It’s unfair.
Rocky Long leaves.
Just then, a loud noise from outside brings Moore, Shoemaker, Lindley, and OBNUG to their feet.
Kellen Moore: Did you guys hear that?
Shoemaker: Yeah, I think there’s something on the roof.
Lindley: Well, let’s go check it out.
OBNUG: I’ll grab the safety whistle.
Moore, Shoemaker, Lindley, and OBNUG step out into the snowy night. Standing in the front lawn, they look up at the roof and see Santa and his sleigh.
Santa: Hi, boys. Say, I seem to have dropped a pair of footballs. Last time I let Leon McFadden and Brandon Davis help hand out gifts, amiright? Be a guy and toss them up here to me.
Ryan Lindley throws a football through the front window. Shea McClellin picks it up and returns it to the San Diego State 24-yard-line.
Lindley: Sorry. It takes a couple throws before I get comfortable.
Ryan Lindley throws the next pass up to Santa, but the throw sails too high. Santa reaches for the pass and slips on the roof, sliding off the two-story house, and landing with a thud on the ground in front of Moore, Shoemaker, Lindley, and OBNUG.
Shoemaker: You killed Santa Claus!
OBNUG: Now who’s going to get me Mario Kart Wii for Christmas?!
With his last breath, Santa pulls Ryan Lindley close.
Santa: Son, you are Santa Claus now. It is up to you to take joy to all the children in the world. Christmas depends on you now. Take your friends here to help you, and use my sleigh to deliver presents. Can I trust you guys to save Christmas?
Lindley: Yes, you can count on me.
Shoemaker: We’ve got your back, Santa.
OBNUG: It would be my honor.
Santa: I don’t know who you are.
OBNUG: I have a pretty prestigious blog.
Santa: Yeah, not ringing any bells.
Santa’s body disappears into the ether, like a 30-point, second half Boise State lead. Moore, Shoemaker, Lindley, and OBNUG climb onto the roof. While they are climbing, Lindley’s beard grows six inches.
Lindley: Hmm, that’s odd.
Moore, Shoemaker, Lindley, and OBNUG pile into the sleigh. Lindley takes the reins.
OBNUG: My doctor says my BMI is in the high normal range, thankyouverymuch.
Rudolph: No, I was talking about …
Ryan Lindley suddenly weighs 400 pounds. He is holding half a cake.
Lindley: Where did I get cake?
Lindley is suddenly overcome with a desire to wear red. Moore’s wife Julie brings Lindley some red sweaters and red stretchy pants.
Shoemaker: This is getting weird.
A small bird is now nesting in Lindley’s beard.
Lindley: And away we go!
The sleigh takes off into the night sky. Lindley finds Santa’s gift list in the sleigh.
Lindley: First stop, BCS executive director Bill Hancock’s house.
The sleigh arrives at Hancock’s mansion. Moore, Shoemaker, Santa Lindley, and OBNUG land on the roof and begin to descend down the chimney to the fireplace, which doubles as a smelter for non-AQ conference championship trophies.
Lindley: Merry Christmas, Bill Hancock. Here’s your gift: The Premier Choice Ultimate Tier of DirecTV, which contains The Mtn television channel.
Hancock: Lower division football games. I love it!
Moore: Actually, Mr. Hancock, the Mountain West is an FBS conference.
Hancock: Ha! That’s hilarious.
Hancock: OK, you need to leave now. Jim Delany and John Junker are coming over, and we are going to hunt the most dangerous of game: man. You with the Vegas Bowl t-shirt tucked into your jeans, do you have plans tonight?
OBNUG: Not really, why?
Moore, Shoemaker, and Santa Lindley leave. OBNUG stays behind when Hancock promises a ride on his Segway made of white gold. A 13” giant birthday cookie is lodged in Lindley’s beard.
Moore: OK, let’s finish this list.
Lindley: You got it. Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen! On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen! Giddyup!
Moore, Shoemaker, and Santa Lindley take off into the night sky to deliver the rest of the Christmas presents. Lindley’s beard applies for its own Social Security number.
For Ronnie Hillman, a foot bath and three inches of height.
For Adam Muema, hamstrings.
For Craig James, a heart.
For Dick Tomey, a Life Alert.
For Craig Thompson, a lifetime supply of Dep.
For Jared Zabransky, a rugby tee.
For the San Diego Chargers, Dennis Green.
For Gary Patterson, a pair of suspenders.
For Mark May, a friend.
At the end of the night, Moore, Shoemaker, and Santa Lindley return to Bill Hancock’s house to pick up OBNUG. They find OBNUG hiding in a tree.
OBNUG: Thank goodness you’re here. They hunted me with guns! What kind of sick people would do something like that?
Delany: Found him! Hand me that crossbow.
Moore, Shoemaker, Santa Lindley, and OBNUG take off in the sleigh and return to Moore’s house where Santa Lindley hands out the final presents. For Moore, a book on love languages and the phone number for NFL super agent Leigh Steinberg. For Shoemaker, a gift certificate to a tattoo shop so he can finish his Marty Tadman sleeves. For OBNUG, the 2007 Fiesta Bowl on Blu-Ray. And for himself, a healthy Ronnie Hillman and a first-half lead.
Lindley: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
Lindley’s beard runs in the GOP presidential primary.