A primer containing everything you need to know for tomorrow’s SDSU football game:
Opponent: Washington State Cougars
Kickoff: 3:30 p.m.
All-time series: Washington State leads 1-0.
Last meeting: Chuck Long in 2007.
Why Washington State could win: Quarterback Marshall Lobbestael (pronounced “Jones”) drank a vial of Timm Rosenbach’s tears in the offseason, leading him to become a defense-shredding monster. Also, Wazzu is a BCS conference team, meaning the Aztecs have no chance duh.
Why SDSU should win: Don’t be fooled by the Cougars scoring a million points against two horrible teams. Washington State is still a Pac-12 bottom feeder (smack talk!) with a backup quarterback and a leaky defense. Unless they’re not.
Matchup to watch: Cougars receivers vs. Aztecs secondary. Wideout Marquess Wilson is a 6-4 beast and the key cog in Washington State’s spread. Meanwhile, the Aztecs are not accustomed to this newfangled “fore-ward pass” tactic after 57-straight games against triple-option teams. Pfff … sounds like a gimmick to me. That will never catch on.
Reason you should hate the Cougars: Their crappy program had seven-straight non-winning seasons, and was rewarded with an $18 gazzilion share in the Pac-12 TV contract. Our crappy program had 11-straight non-winning seasons and all we got was this stupid ComCast tote bag.
Reason you should hate Washington State: Hmm … that’s tough. I mean, the school is probably also in the cellar of the Pac-12′s Douchey School Standings. UCLA, Cal, and Stanford are slugging it out atop the Academic Snobbery Division, while USC and Arizona State are neck-in-neck in the Smarmy Lexus Bro Division. Pick up your game, Wazzu.
Most annoying alum (football division): Mark Rypien.
Bet you thought I was going to take another swipe at Ryan Leaf, right? Boom—curveball! Why Rypien? Because NFL legends Dan Fouts, Fran Tarkenton, Dan Marino, and Warren Moon have zero Super Bowl rings. And this mediocre journeyman got one by riding the coattails of an Aztec.
Most annoying alum (non-football division): Author Sherman Alexie
It’s bad enough my wife ignores me to read his books, but I finished Indian Killer a couple months ago and I’m still pissed off about the ending. Tell us who the killer is, dammit! Was it John Smith? Someone else? Some supernatural specter born of centuries of genocide and oppression? Spell it out, man!
If the Cougars were a fictional villain they would be: Bebop from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Follow me here: The Pac-12 is the Technodrome, Oregon is the corrupt deadly ninja Shredder, Stanford is the talking brain mastermind Krang, and Washington State is the inept goon they only keep around for comic relief.
Prediction: Aztecs 31, Washington State 27. Lobbestael will get all jacked up to play in front of a national TV audience on the mtn., only to hear at the last minute that his idol Todd Christensen is off working another game. He’ll be so distraught that he’ll throw a key fourth-quarter pick to Leon McFadden.