A primer containing everything you need to know for tomorrow’s SDSU football game:
Opponent: Army Black Knights
Kickoff: 9 a.m.
All-time series: First meeting.
Last meeting: What did I just say?
Why Army could win: I suppose it’s feasible that the Aztecs would be so disoriented by the start time that they could sleepwalk for a quarter or four. If Miles Burris comes running out of the tunnel wearing fuzzy Taz slippers, SDSU might be in trouble. Also, Rich Ellerson is an evil wizard. Beware his wicked sorcery.
Why SDSU should win: The Aztecs fancy themselves a good team. Army, with 11 new starters, was just pimp-slapped by a MAC team. So they are clearly not a good team. Good teams should beat not good teams. Do you need me to draw you a freaking a diagram?
Matchup to watch: Aztecs offensive line vs. Army defensive front. The Black Knights’ front four weigh a combined 928 pounds, which is slightly less than an average New Hampshire moose or approximately 1.5 average Brady Hokes. If SDSU manhandles this undersized bunch — as it should — a cramp-free Ronnie Hillman should run wild.
Reason you should hate the Black Knights: It’s tough to despise a team that hasn’t been relevant since the Eisenhower Administration (I know, I know, like we can talk). Unless you’re some sort of triple-option hating forward pass fetishist, that is. Count me in that camp, actually.
Reason you should hate Army: Two reasons come to mind: Either you went to Navy, or you are a total asshole.
Most annoying alum (football division): Dwight D. Eisenhower.
He’s responsible for creating the Interstate Highway System. So that time I got stuck in traffic for six hours on the 405 the day before Thanksgiving? His fault.
Most annoying alum (non-football division): George Armstrong Custer.
Dude pretty much had it coming.
If the Black Knights were a fictional villain they would be: Al Swearengen from Deadwood.
Yeah, he’s technically a villain, but he’s such a badass mofo that he becomes the best character on the show. Plus, by the end of the series, he protects the protagonists*. Of course, if Northern Illinois had spanked Al like that, he would have sent Dan Doherty to gouge their eyes out in a street brawl.
Prediction: Aztecs 27, Army 16. An energized Army team hangs for a while, aided by some mistakes by a bleary-eyed SDSU. Aztecs recover to notch an ugly road win.