For those of you who missed yesterday’s podium sessions at Mountain West Conference Football Media Days, you really didn’t miss much. It was a just bunch of this stuff:
We have a really good football team and we have a chance to go out there and win some football games so long as our football players go out there and compete, which you have to do in this league because it is such a strong football conference. Also, football.
Or at least that’s what I thought when I perused the official transcript. Then I got a phone call that rocked my world to its core. It just so happens that I have a highly-placed source on the Red Rock Casino custodial staff. He goes by the alias Fuzzy Dunlop and speaks in a thick Hungarian accent, but dude hasn’t burned me yet. His shit’s solid, bro.
So imagine my shock when Fuzzy D. called late last night to tell me he found a page of transcription that was deliberately left out of the official quote packets. It was just lying in a garbage bin under some CornNuts wrappers and a few empty cans of pomade.
He kindly faxed it over. What follows is an AKH exclusive:
Mike Locksley, Head Coach, New Mexico
“I think two or three wins this year would count as measurable progress, allowing me to keep my job. Say, where are you from? Denver Post, eh? Do you have any openings in your circulation department? I know a guy — my cousin — who will be looking for work soon. He has a car and the ability to lift 50 pounds. Are you a union shop, by the way? What are the schools like?”
Bobby Hauck, Head Coach, UNLV
“Heck yeah I expect big things this year. With Dave Rice coming in and an exciting influx of talent, we ought to be able to make a run at the Mountain West title. And once we make the tournament — which is a total lock — there’s no way we get mushroom stamped by a Big Ten team again. It’ll be a six-, 10-point loss, tops. Wait, you meant football? Who the fuck cares about UNLV football?”
Troy Calhoun, Head Coach, Air Force
“I didn’t want to say anything about this until after our first game, but … aw, heck why not? I’m sick of the option. It’s boring and antiquated and we’re called Air Force for crissakes. We’re going West Coast offense — 40 passes per game! I brought in Bill Callahan to help with the transition. I can’t imagine anything could go wrong …”
Gary Patterson, Head Coach, TCU
“It’s true that we’ve got a lot to replace on offense this year. For one thing, we’ve got to find a way to strike fear into the hearts of opposing defenses now that our ghastly ginger demon quarterback will be terrifying sideline season ticket holders in Cincinnati this fall. That flaming red mop and those dead eyes were worth 10, 14 points per game for us, minimum.”
Steve Fairchild, Head Coach, Colorado State
“Well, in terms of players to watch, you can’t go wrong with Pete Thomas — kid’s an absolute stud. To show that kind of poise and accuracy as a freshman just shows that he’s going to be a great player in this conference for year to come. Others? Oh well … um … we have an … uh … running back? Kyle or Kip … it’s something short starting with a K. Or a C. And on defense, yep, lots of guys there, too. Say, would you like to see some cool pictures of Pete that I took with my iPhone?”
Dave Christensen, Head Coach, Wyoming
“Again, I have no idea why our starting quarterback chose to transfer. Ultimately, I think he was a little intimidated by the cosmopolitan nature of Laramie. I mean, not every town has four grocery stores, all lit up with neon lighting and whatnot. A Safeway, a Loaf ‘N’ Jug, a Fred Meyer, and an Albertsons? Shoot, it’s five if you count the Wal-Mart. That’s enough to make any kid go into his shell a little bit.”
Chris Petersen, Head Coach, Boise State
“As I’ve said, I’m excited to finally be a member of the Mountain West and I’m honored that we were picked to finish first. Got that? OK, turn the cameras off now. The recorders, too, it’s time to get real, son. This fucking conference? We’re going to tear through it like a 7-layer burrito through your lower intestines. Look at these stiffs! Colorado State? That’s just Louisiana Tech without the long flight to Rustin. Wyoming? Call ‘em Utah State East, baby! And what’s up with these other coaches? I just met with Patterson yesterday and the dude reeked of cat piss, I shit you not … hey, put that pen down! Don’t be writing that!”
Rocky Long, Head Coach, San Diego State
“Yes, it’s true Coach Hoke did offer me the chance to be his defensive coordinator at Michigan, but honestly this is a better job … (sigh) … well, that’s not 100 percent true. I accepted his offer initially and was prepared to go. I even hosted Brady and Borgey and some others at my place to talk it over. Anyway, Debby had baked one of her famous pies and left it out on the window sill to cool. Not 10 minutes after Brady gets there, the pie has been absolutely demolished — like racoons got to it or something. Then I see Coach Hoke with crumbs and pie filling all over his face. And get this, the guy denies eating it. Flat-out denies it. I rescinded my acceptance right then and there. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, actually. That was off the record, OK?”